I’ve been at a professional plateau for a while. That’s a fairly nice way of saying I’ve stagnated and lost the steam to grow since I came back to my job three years ago. What started as a demotivating struggle to find direction and carve out a role in a mature team became a realistic look at how much effort I wanted to put in to truly value add and what cost it would come for all the other roles I play in my life.
Not being brilliant enough to do everything simultaneously, I held true to my promise in NYC and chose to shift my world out of office. I have learnt early enough that defining myself against my career and tying my self worth to how I perform in the workplace brings about a misplaced sense of achievement and little spiritual reward.
For most part, I have been satisfied with that choice. I have spent many dinners at home since, and I am watching the lil boss grow up every day. I no longer feel the need to check my phone and the news after hours and over weekends, and I now have time to do things like research into STEM education, creating playscenes, bake and probably more besides when I am not knocked out.
Lately though, I have received several reminders about the dangers of settling and stagnation early in life, and I am beginning to question whether I am just satisficing. My job pays me well enough, I am doing what I need to do to pull my weight but little more, but God, I know I am capable of more. However chafing it is, I can’t even bring myself to stretch because the rewards are few while the harvest elsewhere is so much more satisfying.
Realistically my paycheck gives me the freedom to do everything else, but I am wondering if self-fulfillment needs to be the price.